How To Fall Back In Love With Your Spouse: 5 min read by Megan Rea
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In 1964, the Righteous Brothers released a “love song” of sorts and if it wasn’t so dang catchy, it would be downright depressing.
“You’ve lost that loving feeling.
Wo-ah that loving feeling.
You’ve lost that loving feeling. Now it’s gone.
Gone. Gone. Wo-oh-ah.”
See what I mean? You’re not happy right now, are you? Well, take heart, because while what the Righteous Brothers famously sang may be true, here’s what they didn’t tell you in verse 2:
Feelings aren’t permanent.
Feelings follow choices.
Choices follow thinking.
And if you and your spouse are determined to do this marriage thing for the long haul,
then Mignon Mclaughlin’s famous quote can absolutely be true of you two.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
In just a few short months, the Mr. and I will celebrate 19 years of marriage. I can tell you without a doubt there have been times we’ve basked in the glow of Mignon McLaughlin’s quote and times we’ve definitely related more to the Righteous Brothers.
But still, there’s no one else I’d rather navigate those challenging and beautiful waters with than him.
Today, if you find yourself wanting to recapture the love you once had for your spouse, I want to encourage you with something.
You can never go back to your honeymoon season of love. Wait, Megan, you jerk. I thought you said, “encourage you.”
I did. You can’t ever go back. BUT, because of the history you share, you can rediscover love. You can fall back in love with your spouse this year and guess what? It can be richer and more fulfilling than ever before.
It’s going to take a little work, but that’s why we’re here.
So, if you want to fall back in love with your spouse again, here’s a 4-pronged strategy. And because I want to help you remember said strategy, it rhythms. You’re welcome.
1. Pray
Do you pray for your spouse? I don’t mean, “God please open their eyes to how dumb they’re being.” I mean actually praying for them; lifting your spouse before our Heavenly Father, praying Scripture over them, and then choosing to walk in the love, truth, and gentleness of the Holy Spirit throughout the process of renewal.
It’s easier to fight with each other than for each other.
But if we believe Eph 6:12...your real fight isn’t against your spouse anyway. Your actual fight is waging war on the attacks on your marriage, your family, your future.
And while fighting FOR each other, isn’t easy, it is oh-so WORTH it.
Depending on where you’re at in your marriage, this might be the last thing that currently appeals to you. But I’ll promise you this, it’s really, really hard to stay angry at someone you’re praying for.
Really hard.
God’s tricky like that.
When you pray for your spouse, you begin to see them through the Lord’s eyes and with His heart. And because no one loves your spouse like the God who created them and gave up His Son for them, your heart starts to change in the process too.
If you don’t know where to start, no shame in that. Check out this book, I recommend it ALL the time! (And here are a few other marriage books if you’re interested.)
2. Slay
(Slay: admittedly not my favorite word of the 21st century, but it rhymed. So go with it.)
Big question: What’s at the heart of your marriage that you’re going after together? There’s something about running after a common goal that fosters a sense of community and oneness within your marriage like nothing else. It can be a financial goal, a business venture, a family goal, offering each other radical support as one of you goes after a dream, a volunteering project you’re passionate about, or something completely unique to the two of you.
You’re together for a reason. How do your gifts complement each other? What are you both passionate about? How can you go after ‘that thing’ in a way that brings you together and doesn’t drive you apart?
*Side Note* Chris & I work together. A lot. We’ll be the first to tell you, it’s not easy and boundaries are blurry, but in the same breath, we can confidently say we can’t imagine it any other way.
3. Play
I 102% guarantee you that your spouse didn’t marry you because you were a super boring person and a total drag to be around.
You are fun. The two of you are fun…or at least you used to be once upon a time. And this year, in 2020, I think it’s time to rediscover the playful side to your marriage.
In one of my favorite marriage messages by Craig Groeschel, he encourages couples to engage in 3 different kinds of fun. Face to face (talk time) shoulder to shoulder (active time) and belly button to belly button (….um…sexy time? Like it. Going with it.)
When this month and week can you make time to prioritize these 3 different kinds of “play” in your marriage? I promise you, doing so has the power to completely change the tension level in your relationship.
4. Stay
This piece of art from Smallwoods hangs beside our bed. It’s a reminder. It’s a declaration. It’s a promise.
Friend, I know that marriage isn’t easy and probably looks much different than your childhood dreams. Maybe it looks so much better!
Or maybe what you thought your life would look like seemed to crumble in your clutching hands.
Hear me on this, if you were in a marriage that ended, I am so sorry.
My heart aches for what yours has been through. Please know there is no condemnation, rather only confident hope to say, wherever you’re at, there’s more to your story!
Like I said earlier, you can’t go back to newlywed you. And really, would you want to? I mean aside from relishing in my wrinkle-free skin, you couldn’t pay me to be 20-ish again.
There’s an intimacy and history to a love that bears a few battle scars. And because you’ve fought those battles together, your love and your ability to fall in love with each other has more depth of feeling than ever.
Love can’t go backward but it can get better. So much better.
Which one of these 4 do you want to commit to working on this month?
Until next time,
Meg
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Beautifully written and very practical. The one way to keep going is to never stop:). Thank you for the sage advice…there is always the hope of something new and something more.
Lynda, thank you so much! You are such an encouragement to us!
This is hands down, one of my absolute, all time, most favorite posts from NSL. And, because I know you two live this out through the sunny and dark days and that you truly have each other’s backs, this post has incredible depth and makes me want to cheer for my girl. Thank you Megan and Chris for not just telling us, but showing us. You both are the real deal. Thank you.
Wow! Brett, when we say that means the world to us, you now it truly does! Thank you!