How To Ruin Date Night

How to Ruin Date Night: 4 min read

by Chris Rea

Click here to watch our Youtube episode of this post.

There I was.

Hanging out in Ann Taylor Loft.

Bored out of my mind. I hate shopping. My wife does not. In fact, she likes to touch every. Single. Thing. Finally, I was a man who had met his limit,  I was like Mt Vesuvius just waiting to erupt.

And then, it happened. Megan asked me for at least the 17th time, “What do you think about this shirt?”

“I feel the same way about that shirt than I did about the other 20 shirts you asked me about. How long are we going to stay in this store? I can’t handle shopping with you for one more minute!”

Have you ever seen someone physically deflate before your eyes?

With 3 careless sentences, I crushed her. There was no denying it, I ruined date night.

I’ve learned a lot since that infamous date night, Even now, over a decade ago, there are three valuable lessons that night taught and continues to teach me.

1. I need to communicate better.

2. I want to have fun with my wife.

3. I have to be “all in” on Date night.

Megan and I couldn’t be more opposite in our hobbies. I like football and chicken wings. She likes musicals and roasted veggies.

The old adage “opposites attract” is rarely a problem when you’re dating, but once you’re married, it can become a real issue. Because if you’re not careful, you’ll end up creating your most fun memories with your friends & your hobbies, then just plan dates with your spouse out of duty that neither one of you will really enjoy. Let me explain.

Newlywed Chris would watch football & play golf with his friends. And have a blast. Of course I looked forward to those times; my friends and I both loved those hobbies.

But then, date night would come along.

I realize now, I planned things I thought Megan would enjoy, but knew I wouldn’t. But I thought that’s what’s husbands should do. SO, I would suck it up and put my time in because I assumed that was going to make her happy. And then, I welcomed that awesome attitude right into our date night.

Two problems with this:

1. This didn’t make her happy or feel loved.

2. She thought I didn’t want to spend time with her.

Now, we’re big proponents of having hobbies we enjoy with our friends (Read more on how to do that here). Community is essential! However, I also believe we have to have things that we look forward to and enjoy with our spouse. We can’t just put the time in.

I ruined many a date night because Megan could tell I absolutely didn’t want to be there. Instead of thinking it was because of the shopping, she assumed it was because I didn’t want to spend time with her. After all, I was the one who suggested shopping in the first place. Then I was the one who erupted like Mt Vesuvius once we were there.

I can see how she got mixed messages.

What we realized was this: neither one of us were communicating well.

In a quest to never hurt each other’s feelings, we just went along with the plan. I never told her I didn’t want to go shopping on date night. I never told her I wished we could schedule things we both enjoyed doing. After all, I thought sweeping her off of her feet was about doing things only she enjoyed. I  have since realized that “sweeping her off of her feet,” is about listening, understanding who she is, rediscovering her, doing romantic things that feed her love language & being all in & mentally present when I’m with her.

She then communicated to me that if I wasn’t all in or present during the date night, it was obvious. (See Mt Vesuvius). She would rather do things we both enjoyed too. You can’t enjoy what you love when the other person is obviously checked out.

And then, the light bulb went off.

“Wait a minute, I can sweep my wife off her feet AND not have to go shopping to do it?”

Yes newlywed Chris, yes you can.

Now, we have a great system. We may still go shopping from time to time, but the expectations are different. Megan calls it her “Chris shopping experience.”

Definition: We visit up to 3 stores and stay in each store no longer than 15-20 minutes. BUT, while at the store, I am all in! I am commenting on what I like and don’t like. I’m asking her questions, I’m getting in her world. And friend, It’s a game changer. She enjoys it because she knows I’m not miserable and actually enjoying my time with her. I enjoy it because the expectations are clear and I know this is only a small part of our night.

We also have found several things over the years we really like to do together (Here’s an OLD post that has a few ideas! And a list of GREAT questions to get the conversation going in a direction other than your grocery bill and to-do list).

And here’s a great resource for our app savvy friends:

We look forward to date night now. When it comes around, we both get excited because we are doing something we both enjoy, not just one of us, but both of us. Are there times we do something exclusively for the other person? Absolutely! But on the regular, we keep it pretty mutual, adjust our expectations and stretch ourselves to try some new things.

In order to have a healthy and thriving marriage, we have to look forward to spending time with each other. Because yes, opposites initially attract, but it takes some real intentionality to stay connected.

Want a little more help? We got you. Click Here for a simple worksheet you can do with your spouse to help find things you both enjoy. And click here for all of our relationship posts.

Don’t put this off any longer. It’s more important than you realize.

Healthy relationships are never an accident, they don’t just happen. Invest some time into each other today, it will pay dividends.

As always, we LOVE hearing from you guys! What are some of your favorite date night activities?

Until next time,

Chris

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