6 Secrets To Dividing Chores In Your Marriage Without A Fight
4 min read by Megan Rea
We were at a standoff.
I know this term well because growing up, I was continuously subjected to my Dad’s absolute devotion to Western movies.
And even though no cowboys were involved in this scenario, it was a standoff nonetheless.
This, however, was no movie. This was real life. A real-life snapshot from my second month of marriage.
There it sat. For 2 3 4? days. (This story gets bigger the more time passes. You understand.)
Can you see it?
Strewn casually across the back of our dining chair, like it didn’t have a care in the world, was Chris’ navy blue hoodie.
It was a standoff for the ages between me and said hoodie.
Me, refusing with all the tenacity of a stubborn 2-year old to hang up my precious husband’s hoodie. And hoodie, taunting me with lies about how my husband “never” helped me around the house, picked up his things yadda yadda yadda…
Finally, one day, it broke me. Now I’m not proud of the way 21-yr-old Megan handled herself that day, but let’s just say the phrase, “the straw that broke the camel’s back,” is extremely appropriate in this situation. I lost my ever loving mind. However, I did put my Theatre degree to VERY good use that day.
According to a 2007 Pew Research Poll, “Ambiguity in the division of household responsibilities between working couples often results in ongoing negotiations, resentment, and tension.”
No surprise there, but did you know that sharing household chores was in the top three highest-ranking issues associated with a successful marriage—third only to faithfulness and good sex?
If you could use some help divvying up the household chores, roles and responsibilities without WWIII breaking out, allow us to redeem our mistakes and help you navigate these tricky soapy waters (Couldn’t resist). Years of marriage and becoming relationship coaches have definitely taught us a few things, so here are 6 secrets to defining and dividing all the chores that needs to get done around the house… without a fight.
1. Talk About It
Ambiguity is a recipe for unmet expectations and resentment, so talk about the expectations you’re placing on yourself and the tasks you anticipate your spouse doing. What did you see growing up in your household? How did your parents divide chores? What kind of schedules and hours are you guys working? Maybe one of you LOVES to cook, or loathes to vacuum or thinks crunching numbers is the most fun thing ever (not me). All of these factors will definitely come into play.
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2. Make A List
Simple enough, but you’d be surprised how many things you instinctively take for granted. Make a list of all the needs to go into your home life to make it run well. List out the different cleaning jobs, think about errands, lawn and landscaping, grocery shopping, meal planning cooking, paying the bills, and car maintenance. Getting it all out of your brain and onto paper allows you to appreciate not only the work that goes into making your house run smoothly but also each other.
3. Divide & Conquer
Now, who’s going to do what? It’s so cute when Chris & I are counseling engaged couples and they say, “we’re just going to do it all together.” It’s so cute, so endearing, and so unrealistic. 😉
For us, Chris really loves doing the floors. I don’t mind doing laundry, I handle 95% of the grocery shopping, but he almost always does the dishes. The more clear you are at this step, the less resentment you are likely to have.
4. Make A Plan To Make Your Life Easier
If it works for you, decide when you’re going to clean, do laundry, meal prep, etc. Maybe you grew up doing a “Big Clean” on Saturdays and just straightened during the week. Maybe you’d rather spread everything out and keep your weekends free and clear. There’s no wrong answer, do what works for your family.
And speaking of making your life easier, use technology to your advantage. Click List? Amazon Prime? Shipped? All huge timesavers. And a FREE resource that’s helped us tremendously? The AnyList app. Cheers to no more forgotten grocery lists on the side of the fridge!
(Want more Apps to better your marriage? Click the pic for our 3 favorites)
5. Be Flexible & Give Grace
Plans are great 90% of the time. And then life will happen. One or both of you will need grace, you will need to let something go, or you will need to choose take-out for the sake of your sanity.
No worries. That’s real life, but you’re doing so awesome the other 90% of the time, that it won’t throw you. 😉 Choosing your marriage over tasks, is the right thing always. And sometimes your people need your attention more than your laundry pile.
“…Love each other just as much as I have loved you. For when you demonstrate the same love I have for you by loving one another, everyone will know that you’re my true followers.”
John 13:34-35
6. Try & Outdo Each Other
Do you know what is one of the greatest gifts in the world? When something is on your mind and on your to-do list and when you go to do it, it’s already done. That’s love. Think about your spouse’s week. What could you take off their list before they even ask you to? Not only will it bless them, but it will keep your heart in the right posture too.
Dividing roles and responsibilities around the house can be a huge issue in many marriages, but we want better than that for your life and so do you. Take the initiative, talk it through, make a plan and then think of a few little ways you can outdo each other this week. It’s not complicated, but it will make a world of difference.
What step do you think will help you the most this week?
Until next time,
Meg
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Very good list. And i would add, if there are children in the home, make them do the chores!!
Yes to that!