4 Phrases That Changed Our Marriage

4 Phrases That Changed Our Marriage: 5 min read by Megan Rea

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My Grandma Casey was big on idioms.

She could often be overheard telling me to “Sit tight.” She might’ve offered a warning that I was about to “Get into dutch.”

If my big Irish mouth was about to get me into trouble, she’d shoot me a glance and say, “Hush your mush.”

But my favorite of all time was, “If you dance all night you gotta pay the fiddler.”

I went along with it you understand. What choice did I have?

But 7-year-old me was so confused.

Was I dancing in my sleep? The only fiddler I knew was on a roof.

Who is this fiddler exactly?  And did he take allowance? Would I get a free pass if I could quote all the lyrics to “Matchmaker”?

Because while I may not have understood my Grandma’s well-intended phrases, I did know a thing or two about musicals.

Unlike my precious Grandma’s phrases which left me in a ball of confusion, there are several phrases, 4 in fact, that when introduced into marriage, could change everything.

I know it seems like a lofty promise, but if 4 phrases really were the starting point of change in your marriage, wouldn’t you want to know them?

Of course, you would.

You’re too much of a “smart cookie” to “Bury your head in the sand.”

Ah, Grandma’s legacy lives on. Ok, on with it then, before I waste any more time “Beating around the bush” (ahhhh I can’t stop), here are 4 phrases that changed our marriage and I know they can change yours.

1. I’m Sorry.

Ooo, I started with the big dog. “I’m Sorry.” It’s amazing how little these two words pop up in some people’s vocabulary.  For me, I’m usually a chronic over-apologizer-which can be just as detrimental as under-apologizing because the words lose their weight. The important thing about the words, “I’m sorry,” is that they must be sincere, not thrown out casually simply to end an argument.

A genuine, “I’m sorry” while looking someone in the eye like we learned when we were in pre-school and stole poor Joey’s crayon, is a beautiful starting point that can disarm even the most heated of situations. Especially, when they’re accompanied by the next 2 phrases.

2. I Was Wrong.

Now, “I’m sorry “is one thing, but taking blathe me and admitting wrong, that’s another. And no, you don’t have to carry the full weight of the disagreement on your shoulders; that’s most likely not the way it went down. But as far as it depends on you, own your junk, your emotions, your anger, your responsibility and move onto the next phrase.

3. Will You Forgive Me?

Chris and I didn’t include this phrase for the first few years of our marriage.  While we did apologize and eventually made it around to, “I was wrong,” “Will you forgive me,” added an entirely new level to the reconciliation process and honestly, to the intimacy in our marriage.

Asking another person for forgiveness is humbling, it’s repentance and it’s what we’ve found to be a vital step in moving forward after a hurt.

And just so we’re clear, asking and extending forgiveness doesn’t dismiss or justify the hurt we may have caused each other.  But it is a step necessary to keep our hearts right and free before God and before each other. Bitterness is one of those nasty creepers that affects everything.  And if you want to keep your heart right and free, here’s a post all about what forgiveness is and how to both seek and grant it after a wrong. 

4. I wish we had more…/I wish we had less….

This phrase, ok, phrases, are game-changing.  We landed on these two gems when we became relationship coaches.  See, before they let you become all certified, you actually have to practice what you preach on each other (read: guinea pigs). And even though we’ve been married almost ½ of our lives, calmly introducing this phrase into our conversations has been such a gift-an honest and disarming way to be assertive without being accusatory.

For example, I come to Chris and say, “I wish we had more date nights on the calendar. If we planned more dates, I would feel more connected and that we could try out some new things we might not be able to do last minute.”

Did you catch the language there? “I wish” and “I feel”. Not, “Why don’t you sweep me off my feet and plan more dates? You never plan dates anymore!”

If I stated the above in an actual conversation, what exactly do I think the outcome will be? “Wow, babe, you’re so right. I am so in love with you right now. I feel so respected. Please let me plan 74 dates right now.”

#Idontthinkso

By communicating your own desires instead of accusing your spouse, you’re one step closer to avoiding triggering their defense mechanism thus ensuing World War 3.

You get your point across and you weren’t a jerk in the process. Way to go.

Which one of these 4 phrases needs to make an appearance in your marriage this week?

Until next time,

Meg

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