Instant Regret. It’s the worst feeling. That twinge of pain leaving you wishing life came with a rewind button.
Have you ever done something you regretted instantly?
When I was 8, and my brother Tony was 10, we were playing after church one Sunday afternoon. Tony was standing on this stone ledge overlooking a thorn bush in our landscaping. For some reason, my 8-year-old brain thought it would be funny to push him off the ledge and into the thorn bush.
A decision I instantly regretted.
The next few moments felt as if they happened in slow motion as I watched Tony tumble backward into the thornbush. And although it’s 30 years later, I can still envision the look on his face evolving from horror, to excruciating pain, then to tears, and finally rage. The rage that can only ensue between brothers.
Immediately, I ran to get my Dad thinking I may have just seriously hurt my brother. My Dad sprung into action only to find a thorn wedged deep into the back of Tony’s thigh.
Watching from a healthy distance, I saw my brother writhe in pain as my Dad used little silver tweezers to dig out said thorn.
It’s the kind of thing you don’t forget.
I felt terrible. What kind of awful brother was I?
But here’s a better question: Was I actually an awful brother or did I just make an awful choice?
And it’s that simple reframing which distinguishes between shame and guilt. Shame would tell me I was an awful person. While guilt says, I did an awful thing.
Scouts honor, even writing this some 30 years later, that guilty feeling started stirring inside of me again.
Here’s the thing, human beings make stupid decisions sometimes. We do things we know we shouldn’t do. And even knowing we shouldn’t do them, we do them anyway.
Does that make us terrible people? Or does it mean sometimes, good people do terrible things?
Personally, I believe even the best people are capable of stupid choices. A guy by the name of Paul in the Bible said this in his letter to the Romans, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?”
We all make bad choices, but that doesn’t mean we are bad people. It means that we need a Savior, someone to free us from the guilt, shame, and consequences of our bad choices. And thankfully, that’s what the gospel is all about.
If you’ve made a mistake of any magnitude, we’re talking thorn bushes and beyond, here are a few ways to bounce back and move forward from the shame & pain of regret.
1. Admit what you did was wrong
Why do we hate admitting we’re wrong? Why do we try to defend & justify our poor choice especially, when it hurts someone we love? The best thing we can do is be honest with ourselves, be honest with our loved ones, and be honest with our God.
You blew it. Messed up. Made a mistake. Just admit it. Whatever we keep hidden in the dark gains power, but the things we bring into the light lose their grip on us. Confessing our sins to God and to one another helps clear out the dark places of our soul and initiates freedom.
2. Forgive yourself
This could be the hardest thing you do, especially if you have hurt someone you love. You want to punish yourself for it, right? You feel like you deserve at least that much. I remember being my brother’s slave for a week straight after I pushed him into that bush!
The truth is not all guilt is bad. There is such a thing as healthy guilt. Healthy guilt lets you know you did something you shouldn’t have done and don’t want to do again. But after about 30 seconds of healthy guilt, the feelings of regret really serve no purpose. There is nothing you can do to change the past. No amount of remorse can erase the mistake. If you can’t let the mistake go, you’ll find yourself in an anxious sea of condemnation and depression. And you’re not serving your loved one well by living there.
3. Rebuild Trust
If you hurt someone you care about it, i.e. a spouse, child, parent, friend, trust will need to be reestablished. And you will need to be patient exercising empathy for the pain you have caused. Settle in. The road back to trust might be a long one.
If you habitually hurt someone deeply by doing the same thing over and over again, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and question your love for them. That type of behavior sounds a whole lot more like abuse. If that’s the case, please seek a Christian counselor to discover the “why” behind your behaviors. And yes, you may have to face some devastating consequences for your actions, but friend that doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. Brokenness can be mended.
4. Learn from your mistake
Fools make the same mistakes over and over again. However, wise people learn from their mistakes and use them to gain understanding for the future. Why did you make that poor choice? What lead you to give into your flesh and actually go through with it? Asking yourself these questions and spending time talking with others can help you get to the bottom of it. If you can’t stop a certain behavior, you may have an addiction in your life. Addictions occur when we are trying to escape our reality. You will need some help in getting free. But freedom is possible. Start by listening to this three-part series, “How to kill a spider.” It’s my own very honest journey to freedom.
Get it now on our resources page
5. Move Forward
No matter what you have done, your future can STILL be as bright and hopeful as you make it. I know choices have consequences, (you should’ve seen the grounding I got over that dumb thorn bush) but once we accept our consequences and realize we can’t change the past, we can accept our new reality whatever it may be. Sometimes your bad choice doesn’t impact anyone but you. Other times it affects a slew of other people. Whatever your situation, remember this: there is hope for a bright future filled with purpose and meaning.
God turns beauty into ashes every single day. It’s called redemption. And He’s really good at it!
I hope this post helps set you free from the guilt that seems to keep following you. I hope it has given you some building blocks for overcoming your mistakes.
And Tony, if you are reading this, I am choosing to move forward from the guilt of pushing you into that bush. Thanks for forgiving your 8-year-old brother.
Remember, just because your life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect, your life is NOT small. God has great things in store for those who walk with Him regardless of what your path has looked like up until this point. He invented redemption and He is really good at it.
Until next time,
Chris
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