How to Forgive: 6 Steps to Seeking & Granting Forgiveness

Do you remember that old nursery rhyme,”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” That little children’s song proves one single solitary thing: nursery rhymes are full of lies. 😉

Whether you’ve been the author or the receiver of hurtful words and actions, one thing is very clear:  at some point or another, we all need forgiveness.  And if we intend on maintaining relationships with other humans on this side of heaven, we are going to have to learn how to be good “forgivers.”

Full candor: true forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things to walk through in this life. It’s painful and makes everything in your “wronged” flesh feel like opposite day.  You’d rather jump off this ride than walk through steps towards reconciliation. We understand that fully and completely.

Now you’ve probably heard all your life that you’re supposed to apologize when you hurt or offend someone and conversely, you should forgive the people who have hurt and offended you.

We all know that we are supposed to. In theory.

And especially, If we’re Christians, we know that God has forgiven us for so much and we should be able to forgive others. In fact, the Lord requires us to forgive others.

But this concept begs that practical question, “How?”

How can we forgive someone who has hurt us so deeply?

How are we supposed to approach someone we have hurt and give them a sincere apology?

Unforgiveness and it’s ugly step child, bitterness, are nasty things with all kinds of repercussions that can make your life so small. And unfortunately, they don’t just go away on their own. They linger like an unwanted house guest until you get serious about kicking them out.

That’s why in today’s post we’re going uber practical. We care about your freedom. And want to give you 6 steps for seeking forgiveness from someone and 6 steps for granting forgiveness to someone that’s hurt you.  Deep breath. Not everything in this life is worth it. Forgiveness is. And if you weren’t able to do this, you wouldn’t have read this far already 😉

Six Steps for Seeking Forgiveness

1. Admit what you did was wrong or hurtful.

   That’s right, you need to own it. Sometimes it is very humbling to admit you are wrong, that you hurt someone that you love. But guess what? We all do it and we all need to lower our pride, humble ourselves and admit when we are wrong.

2. Try to understand/empathize with the pain you have caused.

   Instead of trying to tell someone why they shouldn’t be hurt, why you didn’t mean it that way, why they are too sensitive etc., just. stop. Put yourself in their shoes and realize, regardless of your intention, you have hurt them.

3. Take responsibility for your actions and make restitution if necessary.

   Don’t go all Ross with, “but we were on a break” (Warning: Only people who watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S will understand this reference). Don’t make excuses. Take responsibility and see what you can physically do to make it better.

4. Assure the person you hurt that you will not do it again.

   If you habitually hurt someone deeply by doing the same thing over and over again, you don’t love them. You are abusing them. True remorse occurs when you determine not to hurt them in that way again.

5. Apologize and ask for forgiveness.

   It is vital to do both, not just one or the other. Anyone can throw an apology out there. But taking the time to say you are sorry, then looking someone directly in the eye with a sincere apology and asking them for forgiveness does two things. One, it shows that you are sincere. Two, it forces them to respond by letting you know that they forgive you or that they are too hurt to forgive you right now.

6. Forgive yourself.

   This is the last step. After you have done the previous 5 things then you need to forgive yourself. As far as I know Doc Brown has not invented a real time machine. (#shamelessBacktotheFuturereference) You can’t go back in time and change the past. You can only move forward. You may have to face some devastating consequences for your actions, but you need to forgive yourself and try to move forward.

Six Steps for Granting Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge your pain and anger.

   The worse thing you can do is shove down your pain or ignore it. Acknowledge that you are hurt and that you deserved to be treated better.

2. Be specific about your future expectations and limits.

   You are not a punching bag, you deserve to be treated fairly and with respect. Don’t be afraid to let someone know that this kind of behavior is not going to fly in the future.

3. Give up your right to “get even,” but insist on being treated better in the future.

   I know revenge may feel sweet at the moment, but it never lives up to the hype. All it does it create more pain and baggage to an unfortunate situation. The bible says, “do not repay evil with evil.” You know why it says that? Because it never works, it just starts a vicious spiral of hatred.

4. Let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward your partner.

   Be willing to talk to a counselor in order to let go of the blame and resentment. It would be easy to shove it down and hold onto it. The only way you can move forward is if you are able to let go. Letting go is a choice. Sometimes your feelings won’t line up with your choice to let go for a while. Give yourself time.

5. Communicate your act of forgiveness to the person who hurt you.

   When you look someone in the eye and tell them you forgive them, it is powerful! You may never get what you are looking for from them. They may constantly make excuses and never admit wrongdoing. Hopefully, they will give you a sincere apology. It is much easier to move forward when that happens. But even if they don’t, communicating your act of forgiveness will release you from the burden you’re carrying.

6. Work toward reconciliation (when safe).

   If a person refuses to admit they were wrong, we still need to forgive them for our own benefit. However, we don’t have to put ourselves in harm’s way again. It is important to put up a boundary and protect yourself. If a person gives you a sincere apology and you trust that they are really going to change, then work toward reconciliation with them.

Whenever you’re in a relationship with someone you love deeply, eventually you will either get hurt or hurt the ones you love. It’s inevitable. We are perfectly imperfect humans. But hurt doesn’t have to mean the severing of a relationship. It is vital to learn the art of seeking and granting forgiveness.

It’s humbling. It’s not easy. It doesn’t always feel good at the moment. But in the end, your No Small Life is worth the freedom that lies on the other side and your soul will thank you.

Until next time,

Chris & Meg

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