6 Things We All Do that Damage our Relationships: Part 1

Ahhh, the elusive number 1.  Whether it’s a person (Are they THE One?) a place, (your ONE-Stop-Shop), or a product (the ONE face cream that will keep you perpetually 12 years old)  Our culture is obsessed. Well, what if there actually were ONE tool you could add to your relational tool box that really could change everything?

 One powerful exercise, that could prevent fights and even change the way you view your significant other, EVEN after they’ve pushed all your buttons. 😉  Friends there is. Hang with me.

At the beginning of the year I started reading, “The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages,” by Shaunti Feldhahn.

You might know Shaunti from “For Men Only” & “For Women Only,” and if you do not, then add those to the reading list pronto!

In this book, she unpacks the common threads of couples that aren’t just “doing life alongside each other,” but that are genuinely thriving and consider themselves “Highly Happy!”

And who pray tell doesn’t want that?!

It’s a great read.  It’s full of hope, but more importantly, practical steps.

And while the entire book is well worth reading, one particular chapter jumped out at me.

True to Shaunti’s writing style, she does a lot of surveying to compile her writing data.  Here are 2 stats that you might find staggering:

Across the board, 97% of spouses deeply care about their mates.  However, 41% of us don’t believe that to be true of our relationship, especially when we’re in conflict. We can take our spouses action and run with it down the hallway of our brain all the way to unhappiness  and discontent.

So here’s the golden ticket: If in 97% of marriages spouses deeply care about each other, chances are you’re in that 97% and next time you’re in conflict remind yourself of that.  That’s it. And it’s best summed up in the phrase  “Give your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt.”

What does that look like? How do we do that? Here you go:

1. Choose to Believe your Spouse has your best interest in mind

2. Take a walk in their shoes/choose to see things from their perspective

I’ll give you an example.  We have a Keurig.  Now we don’t get K-cups because #plastic. 😉 BUT, we do however have a permanent coffee filter without any BPA that makes all right in the world once again.  Because we just make one cup at a time, Chris and I prep the coffee for each other.  He makes it at night before we go to bed for me (the earlier riser) and I prep it in the morning for him…theoretically.  Here’s the thing, my brain is not at its best at 5:15 am, and sometimes, completely unintentionally, I forget to make Chris coffee.

When this happens, I literally feel terrible. It’s silly I know, but it’s just a little gesture that demonstrates love and thoughtfulness first thing in the a.m.

My heart is always to bless my husband, but sometimes my distracted mind just gets in the way.   And you know what Chris does when he stumbles towards the coffee in the morning only to find it empty?  He offers me grace over the little mishap.  Why?  Especially first thing in the morning when all you want to do is have java almost instantly charging through your veins?  Because he knows my intentions and he chooses to believe the best of me even if my actions read inconsiderate.

And I don’t know about you, but when I’m offered grace and understanding by someone I love, as opposed to the frustrated cold-shoulder, it makes me want to love them better. Every time.

I’m not saying we should push down our negative feelings and go skipping along as if we’re not hurt. I am however saying that if we can pause and assume the most generous explanation for our spouses actions and respond from that place, your conflicts will most certainly lessen.

To help your No Small Life regin in those thoughts before you indict your spouse, 😀 here’s a visual I created for me, that I thought I’d share.

AND…to keep it infront of your eyes, I made it into a phone wallpaper for you. Because if you’re anything like me, all the visual reminders all the time! Am I right? 😉

The theater of our minds can be a crazy little place.  If we’re not careful and intentional to stop damaging assumptions about our spouse in their tracks, all of a sudden, we’re believing falsehood as fact. Let’s not do that.  Take a minute before your brain jumps on the crazy train. Reign in those thoughts and try to take a walk in your spouse’s shoes for a moment.

If we choose to believe that they have our truly love us, have our best interest in mind, and give them the Benefit of the Doubt when they’re humanity pokes through, we may just save some serious relational damage.

Until next time,

Meg