6 Things We All Do That Damage Our Relationships: Part 5

I hate to admit it but there are times that I hurt my wife Megan’s feelings.  I never purposely try to hurt her feelings but because I am a human sometimes it happens. 

When I recognize that I have hurt her my default reaction is to try and convince her why my words/actions should not have hurt her so deeply.  And that works brilliantly…said no one ever.

It is much easier to think that my wife is too sensitive or that she misunderstood me than it is to face the hard truth…the truth that my wife is hurt deeply because of me.  Ouch!  At the end of the day, I want my wife to look at me like I am a super hero; her very own knight in shining armor.  I want to be the guy who is thoughtful, continues to study her, understand her and sweep her off those beautiful size 8 feet of hers.  I don’t want to be the grumpy-controlling jerk who hurts his wife.  I want my words to breathe life and hope into her.  I want to be the guy who empowers her to believe in herself not be the guy who keeps her life small.  I think most guys feel the way I do… unless of course you are a grumpy-controlling jerk.  In that case, it’s time to start working on yourself to fix that broken place of insecurity in your life.      

I have finally realized something in my relationship.  Instead of trying to convince my wife she shouldn’t be hurt, I need to own my mistake and seek her forgiveness.

In order to truly seek forgiveness you need to do 6 things:

(the following 6 steps were taken from  prepare-enrich.com mentoring program)   

      1. Admit what you did was wrong or hurtful

      2. Try to understand/empathize with the pain you have caused.

      3. Take responsibility for your actions and make restitution if necessary.

      4. Assure your partner you will not do it again.

      5. Apologize and ask for Forgiveness.

      6. Forgive yourself.

I think most couples can reach the point where they can admit they’re wrong and apologize for their role.  If you can’t do that, then I would really encourage you to seek some counseling and figure out why you can’t admit you are ever wrong or part of the problem.  If we apologize to our spouse but continue to hurt them over and over again in the same way, they are going to have a hard time believing we’re truly sorry and want to change.  It begins to seem that we are intentionally hurting the feelings of the one we love.  That’s why it’s crucial to understand all 6 steps of seeking forgiveness.

If you have truly done all 6 steps, the ball is now the other person’s court.  It’s up to them to grant you the forgiveness you’re seeking.  Believe it or not, there is a strategy to forgiving someone.  I’m the type of person that is a sucker for an authentic apology.  If someone hurts my feelings or offends me but then delivers a legit apology and asks for my forgiveness, I can act like nothing ever happened.

However, it is crucial to not just accept an apology, but to also grant forgiveness by doing the following 6 things: 

(the following 6 steps were taken from  prepare-enrich.com mentoring program)

      1. Acknowledge your pain and anger.

      2. Be specific about your future expectations and limits.

      3. Give up your right to “get even,” but insist on being treated better in the future

      4 .Let go of blame, resentment, and negativity toward your partner.

      5. Communicate your act of forgiveness to your partner.

     6. Work toward reconciliation (when safe).

Granting someone forgiveness is deeper than just accepting an apology.  If you really want to rid your No Small Life of bitterness and resentment, it’s critical to work through all 6 of these steps.

The hard truth is this…we are going to hurt the people we love from time to time and they are going to hurt us.  It’s inevitable. But if you can learn how to seek and grant forgiveness you will be on your way to having a healthy love that lasts a lifetime.

Until next time,

Chris