6 Things We All Do that Damage Our Relationships: Part 3

Here we are smack in the middle of a 6 part relationship series.  So far we’ve tackled 2 major hurdles: giving someone the benefit of the doubt and resolving conflict. Today friends, we’re talking…wait just one second…

I’m sorry what was that? I couldn’t hear you over my distracted texting.

Ah yes, listening. We’re talking listening.

Really. Listening.

Have you ever spent time with someone who’s an amazing listener?  How did you feel afterwards-understood, validated, lighter even?

My Mr. and I are on staff at our church and with the job comes a myriad of various counseling opportunities. It’s truly one of my favorite aspects. I love diving into someone’s world to offer hope & solution. I know, you’re shocked right? ;P  It’s really incredible the people that sit down with us not looking for answers, but just looking to be heard.

Sometimes we just need to get things outside of ourselves in order to feel better.

It’s amazing the power that great listening holds.

So many conflicts could be resolved or even avoided if we could really listen.

Hearing what’s being said vs. what we THINK is being said is truly a learned skill. So to help your No Small Life avoid as many heated “discussions” (*cough *cough conflicts) as possible, I want to share 3 ways that we can become GREAT listeners.

They will take effort, but I promise, if you give them a shot, they’ll make a difference in the depth and the length of your conflicts. And ultimately, good listening will keep you from doing some serious damage.

Deep breath, I promise you’ll like “better listener you” so much more than “distracted defensive you.”  🙂

1. Focus on What is being said vs. how you feel about what is being said & formulating a reply.

Anytime you really lay down your emotions and focus on another person, it requires something from you: self-restraint.  There’s this little “justice trigger” that immediately likes to rear it’s head when we feel misunderstood.  He likes to silence reason and empathy. But in the heat of the moment, there’s a little trick that the Bible clues us into.

James 1:19 says, “Be Quick to listen, Slow to Speak & slow to become angry (take offense AMP). Quick, Slow, Slow. Very ballroom dance like, don’t you think? So how about taking this Communication Dance for a little “spin.” Really listen-take a conscious pause before you speak-and don’t allow yourself to be someone who is easily offended.

If we can apply quick-slow-slow. Nobody’s gonna put you in a corner…baby

…I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist. All the dance talk got to me. #shamless80smoviereference.

2. Listen with your body

I’m sure there is a .35% of the population that can listen, text, and scroll all at the same time. You and I are probably not in that .35%, so value the one you’re with and give the actual human in front of you your attention. Uncross your arms,

un-furrow your brow (she said pointing to herself!), make a little eye contact. No worries, the new-must-see-random-stranger’s-cat-video will still be on YouTube tomorrow. 😉 #youloveme

3. Focus on clarifying their points vs. defending the accusations

I have a fun little exercise for you that we do with our pre-marital couples. It’s simple and sometimes surprising.  After you’ve heard the other person out, in order to make sure you understood them clearly, repeat back to them what you heard.

No, not in a mocking sassy way.

More in a “what I hear you saying is_____. Is that right, did I understand you correctly?” Friends, sometimes what is being said vs. what we actually hear, are worlds apart. When we’re quick to defend ourselves instead of gain understanding about what’s being said, it only points to our own insecurities. And that’s painful for everyone involved.

This little exercise will get you on the same page much quicker. And the next time the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the one being clarified, it feels SO validating to know you’re being understood.

So before we jump to conclusions and get defensive, let’s take a moment to gain a little clarity.

That’s all she wrote for now, it’s simple, but its not without its challenges.  This week, let’s commit to being better listeners.  Let’s focus on our body language, putting down our phones and keeping the emphasize on gaining understanding instead of being defensive.  All the while remembering Quick-Slow-Slow. That “Communication 3-step” alone, could be a game-changer for us all this week.

Until Next Time,

Meg

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