6 Things We All Do That Damage Our Relationships: Part 2

Let me just set you at ease. Having conflict in a relationship isn’t an indicator of if it’s healthy or not.

And everyone said, “Phew.”  

Conflict in any relationship, romantic or otherwise,  is an indicator that you’re a human that has a connection with another human, who happens to be different than you. Shocker right? Relationships of every kind experience conflict. It’s gonna happen.

Avoiding it isn’t the answer because that only leads to bitterness down the road. Saying or doing whatever we feel isn’t the answer, because if we’re not careful, that can end up causing some serious lasting damage.

What will set you apart is this:

• how you communicate 

• learning to RESOLVE conflict in a healthy way.

Basically, there are 4 ways people try to resolve conflict BUT, only one of these ways is actually healthy.  Remember that Sesame street song, “One of these things is not like the other”?

JUST like that 😉

We’ll let you decide which one you think “is not like the other.”

1. People “fight to win,” to resolve conflict

This is an oh-so-common way that people try to resolve their conflict; proving why they are right and the other person is wrong. And if I’m honest, this is what I default to most naturally. The issue is, you can be right and still be wrong.  Especially, if you use a harsh tone of voice, have an attitude, or use poor body language.  Bullying your way through conflict doesn’t work for anyone… except Donald Trump.  So unless you plan to rock a “comb over” and say, “You’re Fired,”  I don’t suggest you follow his example. 🙂

(Not hating on Trump.  No comb-overs we’re actually harmed in the making of this example.)

#BestCombOverEver

2.  People “yield” to resolve conflict

Usually, the person who is getting bullied in a conflict tends to become a yielder.  Tired of fighting, they eventually apologize for something that they don’t need to just because they want to move on from the conflict.  The problem with this style is the person who yields, never really gets to voice how they feel and what they wish they had more or less of in their relationship.  This can lead to years of pain, bitterness and resentment.  The other person thinks everything is fine, but the yielder is far from fine.

3. People “withdraw” to resolve conflict

During a fight, this person shuts down. They may go silent OR might dramatically exit the conversation and the room.  They may say something like, “I am done talking about this, this conversation is over!”  They might get up and leave in an angry way or simply stop responding.  Either way, they never finish the conversation or resolve the conflict.

I am not opposed to taking a “time out” during a heated debate. That can actually be really healthy, as long as you eventually come back and resolve the conflict.  

4. People “lovingly resolve” the conflict

This happens when we take turns calmly talking about the things that are bothering us in the relationship.  Each person clearly communicates what is bothering them while the other person listens attentively to the other person without interrupting or getting defensive. That’s no small task.  (more to come on this in a future blog post).  The person who is listening acknowledges and validates what the other person is saying without trying to convince them why they shouldn’t feel the way they do.  Again, this is no easy task!!  But it does lead to healthy conflict resolution.

Three out of the four ways people resolve conflict can damage the relationship. What do you gravitate towards?

If you have used any of the damaging methods, here’s my encouragement to you:

own up to it,

apologize for it,

ask for forgiveness and

learn how to have better conflict resolution going forward.

Admitting you were wrong and conscientiously putting forth effort to change can do WONDERS for your relationship.

If you would like to download a Free Worksheet that will walk you through a process of healthy communication click HERE.  

If you put this principle into practice in your relationship I guarantee less date nights will be ruined, less relationships will be damaged and you will be on your way to having a thriving relationship.

If you feel like you need some coaching or counseling in this area of your relationship, click here and tell us about it.  We would love to help you!

Until next time,

Chris

PS. This is part 2 of a 6 Part Relationship Series. To learn ONE SIMPLE TWEAK that could change your Relationship TODAY. Click Here