How to Move Forward When You’re in Pain: Part 2

(Click here for part 1)

We lie to each other all the time.  We don’t mean to. We don’t mean any harm by it.  And yet, if we’re going to have authentic relationships, get healing from our pain and move forward as the person God is shaping us to be, then there’s two little liar words we’re going to need to replace in our vocabulary…

I’m. Fine.

“I’m fine.” Was there ever a bigger lie that we tell each other?  Now, I’m not suggesting that we all become bleeding hearts and open books to every well meaning person who asks how we’re doing.  Oversharing is a very real thing too people. 😉 (I’m looking at you, lady all up in my personal space at the grocery store.) BUT, I do think it’s important for us to recognize when we are far from “fine.” Especially, when we’ve walked through pain.

We’re all going to experience physical and emotional pain this side of heaven. But we can do better than shoving it down and sealing it off with an, “I’m fine.”

So our question is, how do you move forward when you are in pain? We’ve experienced a tremendous amount of pain and loss in our married life.  But by God’s grace, we’ve also learned the valuable lesson of how to move forward when you are in pain.  Last week Chris talked about allowing yourself time to grieve.  (And do yourself a favor and read it because it doesn’t get any more honest than this!)

This week he’s talking about the brave step that is number 2. It wasn’t an easy thing for him to do, but his boldness gave me the permission we both needed to be honest. And eventually, I also took my own step 2. But I’ll let him tell you the rest, take it away honey…

Step 2:  Get Help

As I mentioned last week, I neglected to spend time grieving my pain and the loss of a dream.  And after years of not grieving and just trying to suck it up and move on, I noticed myself becoming a pretty rough person.  I had very little compassion for people, I didn’t even know how to pray anymore, I was critical and cynical of just about everything and everyone.  I was completely depleted and running on empty.  This was rock bottom.  And then, someone recommended that I go and talk to a therapist.  I was really hesitant at first because I am a man and I don’t need any help.   And I’m also a Pastor and would much rather help others through their pain than deal with the complexities of my own.

Reluctantly, I decided to see a Christian Therapist and I was amazed at what came out of my heart and my mouth during our sessions.  She had a way of reaching down into my soul and pulling out things that had been there for years.  I have to admit, it was very painful and true story, I felt a lot worse before I felt better.  I kept telling my therapist, “I just need to move on from this and then everything will be ok.”  She said these startling words to me, “Chris, you will never move on from this.  This is part of your story.  However, you can and will move forward.”  I’ll never forget those words.  They changed my entire perspective. What she did that day freed me from having to be ok with what happened to Megan and I.  She gave me permission to have bad days, like Mother’s day and Father’s day.  She gave me permission to move forward, have joy, live a fulfilling life, but do it authentically and not try to act like everything is normal because it’s not.

We don’t move on from loss and pain, but we can move forward.

To be honest, my therapist didn’t say a whole lot during our sessions, but what she did is validate how I was feeling, tell me I was normal, and give me hope for healing in the future.  She gave me hope, that I wouldn’t always feel miserable, that I would be able to enjoy life again.  And as time went on, I stopped feeling abandoned.  I stopped asking “why me?” and I re-learned to trust God and put my life and my world in His hands.  I don’t know where I would be right now if I wasn’t able to talk through my pain with someone who knew how to ask the right questions.  I truly believe God gives the gift of healing to Christian therapists.  It may not be instant and miraculous, but overtime the right Christian Therapist can help you heal.  The worst thing you can do if you are in emotional pain is ignore the fact that it’s there and refuse to talk to someone that could help.  But, it can be so hard to grasp can’t it?  There’s a certain amount of shame we feel when we can’t deal with things on our own.

When you are in physical pain, you go to the emergency room or the doctor, and what do they do?  They help you with the pain.  They do everything they can do to get to the source of the pain.  If you step on a nail, you wouldn’t just file it down so it would blend in with your foot. You’d go to the doctor so they could remove it and your healing process could begin.

Doesn’t it make sense when you are in emotional pain to deal with it?  To go to a person who is trained to help you through it?  Trust me, if you don’t, you’re life can become small because of the bitterness and you’ll hurt the people around you. I’ve been there. It’s not worth it.

Action Step:

Call a reputable Christian Counselor TODAY and set up an appointment.  I recommend getting a referral from someone.  If you are in Southeast MI, message me and I can refer you to some amazing people.  Even if years have gone by and you think that you have “moved on,” I would encourage you to still make the appointment today.  You will be surprised at what you are holding onto.

You, your life, your pain, none of it is small!  Regardless of what you’ve walked through, I KNOW that there is healing available to you if you are willing to take this step.

Click here for part 3. Missed part 1? Click here

Until next time,

Chris

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